By Patricia Simko
Anger is a popular, “hot” topic and an important one. Anger and sadness are the two hardest emotions to feel and to work through. People tend to have a tough time with one or the other. Some can express anger but have a tough time crying, while others cry at the drop of a hat but can’t feel their anger.
When we were children, our parents rewarded us with love for the behaviors and feelings they wanted to reinforce, like cute, smart, funny, and helpful. But few children were honored for anger, which was seen as inappropriate, as destructive, as wrong, or even sinful.
Anger could lead to punishment, so after we learned not to show it, we often learned not even to feel it. After learning to control the expression of anger, we often control our awareness of it. But just because you’re not aware of being angry doesn’t mean you’re not angry, and when it does get expressed, it will often be inappropriate.
Freud likened anger to the smoke in a wood-burning stove. The normal path for the smoke is up the chimney, but if that is blocked, the smoke will leak out around the door and through the grates, choking everyone in the room. Likewise, the normal expression of anger is gross physical movement or loud vocal sounds. Watch any red-faced 5-year old.
We learn to “be nice,” which means hiding bad feelings. By adulthood, even verbal expression is curtailed in favor of being “civil.” Expression is stifled and negative feelings get bottled up inside. If you are like most people, you’ll need to unlearn some old habits before you can learn new ways of handling “bad” feelings –- ways that are constructive rather than destructive.
Dealing with feelings happens all the time, but we can look at the process as if it had three parts: awareness, acceptance, and action.
Awareness: Everyone has his or her own particular body signal indicating on-the-spot anger. If you find yourself depressed or blue and don’t know why, think back over the past 24 hours and figure out what angered you. Depression is often the result of suppressed anger. Forget that you are a nice person. Relive it, and you may see some of your own internal anger signals, as well as your own method of discounting your anger.
Acceptance: This is your anger. The other person may have said or done something, but the anger is yours. So are the other feelings it triggers, and you cannot hold someone else responsible for your feelings. Blaming doesn’t help. It’s easier to accept your anger if you realize that you do not have to justify any of your feelings. They’re all legitimate. “Should” and “feel” don’t belong together. Feelings are just there, messengers to you from your body. Knowing what your feelings are is the best preparation for deciding how to handle them.
Action: First of all, stop hiding your anger. Chances are you are not so successful anyway. Anger needs expression. What can you do? Simply say, “That makes me angry,” or “I do not like it when...” This may not be as satisfying as bashing someone, but it is far more satisfying than doing nothing. When you express your anger directly and appropriately, you create the possibility of change, of having your needs met, of getting restitution.
Patricia Simko will be leading a workshop November 18-20. Click for more info.