Each of us lives by our own private belief system, our own version of reality. Some beliefs are conscious; we know we have them. A conscious belief system generates power. An unconscious belief system generates power too, but in a reactive, bouncing-off-the-walls-as-you-go way that leaves a lot of wreckage to deal with. Some of the beliefs that we live by without knowing it play havoc with our emotions, our actions, and every aspect of our lives.
Have you ever alienated someone you love with explosive anger? Or paralyzed yourself with fear of rejection? If so, you know what it is like to feel trapped in an emotional cage. There is a way out.
If you have ever tried to overcome depression by feeling bad about being depressed, you know what it is like to operate with a self-defeating belief, though you probably don’t know that you are doing it.
If you have ever felt guilt in an attempt to change a behavior in yourself or in someone else, then you know what it is like to try something that doesn’t work. The harder you try, the worse it gets. You can’t even tell if you haven’t felt guilty enough yet to make yourself mend your wicked ways, so there is no clue when to stop.
A hidden nest of self-defeating beliefs operates in each of these examples. Neither approach works very well and if it does, the toll is much too high. There is a better way.
A belief is simply something that seems true to you. It may be a conclusion you arrive at based on the seeming evidence at hand. It could be something you were told and had no reason to doubt. The dictionary says it is “the acceptance of certain things as true and real.”
We form beliefs all the time. These beliefs weave together to form our individual belief systems—our own private versions of reality. Many of them are simply not true. Others conflict with each other.
To take one example: Beliefs About Punishment:
How can you punish a cat? One sweet summer morning, before September 11, 2001, when no disasters befell the world, the news was kind of slow. ABC News anchors Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopolis struggled through an uninspired piece about animal training. They were dying up there on the small screen. Maybe that is why Ms. Sawyer blurted out, “I trained my cat to, um, er, go potty in the toilet.” A long pause followed, an unusually long pause, a TV eternity of a pause. A baffled look spread over the former presidential press secretary’s face. “But, how do you punish a cat?” asked George.
A big assumption (or belief) lurks there. Let’s play “Find The Hidden Belief.” What does George’s remark tell us that he believes about punishment and learning? It says that you need to punish in order to teach and be punished in order to learn. Think of all the suffering that pair of beliefs causes in the world.
Most animal trainers removed punishment from their teaching methods only recently. They saw it as needlessly cruel and counter-productive. For example, people who train or work with chimpanzees for scientific reasons routinely used electric shock as part of the program until a few years ago. Then they discovered that the little guys responded just as well to repetition, rewards, and encouragement. Horse whisperers and dog trainers follow the same principles with excellent results.
Hopefully some day we will agree that these kinder methods work for teaching human beings too, especially children. The phrase “I’m going to teach you a lesson!” would take on a whole new meaning.
Faith in the value of punishment takes many forms that impact our lives in countless destructive and limiting ways. Whether we punish to get even, or punish to change, punish to teach or punish to deter—the toll is high, the results open to dispute.
We can bring awareness to the ways our faith in punishment often surpasses our faith in creativity, love, and perseverance. Here are some of the many ways society’s belief in the value of punishment manifests itself:
The Chiding Inner Monologue: This mind chatter mutters things like, “You stupid jerk. Can’t you do anything right?” Many inner reprimands include some sizzling X-rated language to give them that extra oomph. Ever catch yourself doing that? I cannot believe I still do it—and often, but now I’m on to myself and find it mildly amusing. Sometimes I actually counter out loud, “Don’t be ridiculous; I am not a stupid jerk. I am actually very bright.” Or, grinning, I repeat the childhood singsong, “Am not, am not, am not!”
Verbal Abuse Directed at Someone Else: Pity the customer service representatives who listen to people yell at them people all day long. How often do you hear people, who believe they have been wronged, simply state what they would like instead of what they got?
Physical Abuse: From spanking a child to the abuse of prisoners, the belief that intentionally inflicting pain works is still widely held. Doctor Benjamin Spock in his classic Baby and Child Care says, “Discipline does not mean punishment.”
Torture and Death: Taken to the extreme, faith in punishment leads to torture and death.
When it comes to life-enhancing beliefs and life-extinguishing ones, surely beliefs about punishment rank at the top of the list of beliefs we can hold that extinguish our aliveness—moment by moment, or altogether in death.
False beliefs produce strong emotional reactions that make life extremely painful. Other beliefs hold a particular emotion in place long after it has served any useful purpose. Still others limit us like the bars of a small prison cell.
Beliefs that foster or allow happiness enhance life. Beliefs that foster or cause un-happiness extinguish life. Can it be that simple? Yes it can.
This is an edited exerpt from Emotional Options, used with permission of Mandy Evans.
Mandy Evans will be leading a workshop on May 29-31, 2009. Click for details.
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